Autonomy

 Autonomy

You would think after 74 years I would recognize my problem when it returns to rob my peace and contentment. Maybe I just don't want to admit it. Deep in my heart there is a longing to take control of my own life--unconsciously saying that I know best what is good for me--certainly more than He does. Oh, I don't mind following His will for my life as long as I get to decide what it is. And His will is not just the use of the gift or gifts He has given me, but He also has the place picked out where He desires me to exercise those gifts. It's not as if He needs me--as Mordecai told Esther, "If you don't do this, He'll just find someone else--someone else He can use to be a channel of blessing, someone else He can bless for surrendering into obedience to His will." The reason He has called me to where I am--Worthington Christian High School, to teach, and to teach the seniors (primarily) is because that is the place of blessing for me. It is what's best for me at this time in my walk with Him--and it has been that way since 1986, though He has moved me from discipline to discipline and from age level to age level. And by His grace in this place, He can use me to touch others and bless them in His Name. And He has given me dear friends and fellow colleagues who I love deeply to sharpen me in my ministry--in His ministry.

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Oh, He can use my struggles for autonomy and the mistakes that spring from it for His glory and my good, but the best He has for me arises from my simple obedience and the embracing of His control over my life and my decisions. His infinitely patient control. When I struggle with surrender and murmur against His will, it is invariably a desire for self-worship disguised in the arrogance of autonomy, that undermines my contentment and passion for His guidance and blessing. Yes, it is to despise His blessing to try to take control of my own life.

Beware my friends. To struggle for control of your own life is a disaster. Wiser than God you are not. Omniscient you are not. Is there any choice more destructive than to choose to be your own god and demand that He accept your choice--surrender to your will? When your contentment starts to waver, pick up a dictionary and read the definition for "autonomy." And then the definition for "arrogance." And then the definition for "disaster." Yep, that's your picture they are using to illustrate the meanings. Next to mine. Trust Him! His love never fails. The earthly kings will raise their scepters, and God will use you where you are to bless His people.